Daniel Howell.
In the middle of his newest video, Daniel Howell offhandedly mentions that he’s currently twenty-seven years old. Out of all the incredible, brave, and important things he says in the same video, it’s weird that his age stood out to me so much. But hearing out loud, that he’s twenty-seven, made me realize how long I’ve been a fan of his, how long I’ve looked up to him. Because I remember maybe a month after I started watching his videos, he turned twenty-two. Five years, two tours, and eighty videos later, and he (and Phil Lester) are two of the only YouTubers I still watch. Maybe it’s the lack of commitment being a fan of them requires, considering their sporadic uploading “schedule,” or their personalities or their humor or their dynamic together, but Dan and Phil were two of the first people I started watching on YouTube and they’re also two of the last. But, over the years, gaming channel excluded, while Phil would take breaks every now and then, he was relatively consistent, posting videos at least once a month. Dan, on the other hand, started posting less and less, eventually going 11 months between his last video and today’s.
It was all very understandable, of course - Dan is more subdued of the two, and considering his history with mental health, which he’s been so admirably open about, the less frequent uploads weren’t, and still aren’t, questioned or antagonized. In his nearly ten years on the platform, Dan has always been the quiet one, the darker one, the more ethereal and unknowable one, despite his audience actually knowing equal amounts of both him and Phil. He also, as he talks about in his video, has always been the “gay” one.
An unfortunate side effect of being a prominent public figure, on the internet of all places, is the plethora of attention. Being a public figure, a YouTuber, a celebrity, and one as likeable, relatable, and genuine as Daniel Howell, means you have fans. Lots of them. And while the internet can be a safe haven, a source of entertainment, and of community, it also can be incredibly invasive. Ever since Dan and Phil started making videos together (so basically, forever, now), their viewers have speculated that they were an item. Again, maybe it was their energy, their obvious care for each other, the glances, or their general demeanor, but for nearly a decade now, Dan and Phil’s, but specifically Dan’s, relationship status and sexuality have been a point of contention between fans. And it’s terrible. So terrible. You can claim that he had it coming by putting himself out there online, but as Dan explains in the video, that can never justify someone digging through your socials, through your history as an online presence, trying to find “evidence” of something they want to see. Not only because of how utterly invasive it is, but because someone who does something like that clearly doesn’t actually care. Maybe they think they do, maybe they don’t have malicious intent, but nonetheless, stuff like that can make you — and did make Dan — feel uncomfortable, unsafe, and violated.
I’ve been sort of skirting around talking about the video itself, so let’s get into it. The whole shebang, all forty-five minutes of it. It may be nearly an hour long, but every second of it is either hilarious, touching, heartbreaking, or all of them at once. As I said before, Dan has always been slightly elusive. But this video goes all the way back, explaining parts of his childhood and himself, in a level of detail that is astounding. Despite the jokes and the great art (shoutout Shitty Watercolour), watching the video...hurt. It hurts to see someone you care about, someone you look up to, regardless of whether you personally know them or not, be in pain, or even, in Dan’s case, talk about a time he was in a great deal of pain. He’s been through some things that (though now that I type it sounds naive) I’ve only heard about in fiction, or in the far past. Not just ten, twenty years ago.
Considering the absolute boatload of information that’s in the video, it would take about a year to go through it all, but it’s also pretty easy to get stuck on the details. If you did, I don’t blame you. I did too, at first. It’s the easiest thing to do, to first react to Dan’s coming out, not only of himself, but the admittance that he and Phil have been, if not currently are, romantically involved. But honestly, kind of similar to that article a year or so ago where Ezra Miller came out as nonbinary, that detail is the smallest thing in the video. That’s not to say that it isn’t important or impactful, just that there’s so much more. Whether it’s the story of the fake friends, the overt and violent homophobia that he experienced growing up, the internalized oppression, or the found family, there is more to Daniel Howell’s story than who he chooses to date. That’s for him, and just him, to know and experience.
It may have taken a year longer to make the video than he thought, but none of that matters, because today, we celebrate Daniel Howell, his story, and his bravery. He might have had a strong message directed straight to viewers at the end of the video, but Daniel Howell, here’s a message to you: thank you. For having the courage to be you, for trusting us with this part of yourself, for being so incredibly genuine, eloquent, and impactful with your words, as you always are. The future is bright, for you and for the rest of us, and I personally can’t wait to see what you do next. ⬥
If you haven’t seen the video already, I really do recommend watching it, whether or not you know who Dan is. He shares some really important life experiences, observations, and thoughts.